It's Getting Weird
by TacticianZephine
Summary: A video surfaces on the NEST intranet and chaos ensues.


**Tumblr has corrupted me. I wrote an entire fic about butts. And I'm not sorry. I'm really not. So here's a cracky fic. This is back in the original "normal" timeline. Long time no see.**

**Happy Halloween. Rather than trick-or-treat, how about review-or-review?**

* * *

"I don't believe this. I just don't believe this," Prowl muttered to himself, shaking his head at the monitor.

"Don't believe what?" Optimus's voice asked. He, Ember, Ironhide, Elita, Wheeljack, Ratchet, and Chromia had entered the Officers' Lounge and were now standing behind the second-in-command.

"Someone on this base has a slagton of explaining to do."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not showing you the video, because there are females present-"

"Frag that, lemme see," Chromia said, shoving her way past Prowl and clicking "play". A voice blared out into the empty room.

"_Look at that booty, show me the booty_  
_Give me the booty, I want the the booty_  
_Back up the booty, I need the booty_  
_I like the booty, oh what a booty_

_Shaking that booty, I saw the booty_  
_I want the booty, lord what a booty_  
_Bring on the booty, give up the booty_  
_Loving the booty, round booty_

_Down for the booty, I want the booty_  
_Hunting the booty, chasing the booty_  
_Casing the booty, getting the booty,_  
_Beautiful booty, smoking booty_  
_Talk to the booty, more booty..._  
_Fine booty_

_All about the booty, big old booty_  
_Serious booty, amazing booty_  
_I'll take the booty, where is the booty_  
_Stare at the booty, walking the booty_  
_Touching the booty, whos got the booty_  
_Grabbing the booty, rubbing the booty_  
_Loving the booty, hugging the booty_  
_Kissing the booty, holding the booty_  
_Watching the booty... Kicking the booty_

_Sleeping booty, screaming booty_  
_Harder booty, softer booty_  
_Sweeter booty, sour booty_  
_New booty, used booty_  
_Who's booty, sister's booty_  
_Your mama's booty_  
_Cookin booty, mean booty_  
_Good luck with the booty_

_Foreign booty, home booty_  
_Road booty, found booty_  
_Covered booty, bare booty_  
_Sweaty booty, powder that booty_  
_Bad booty, sadder booty_  
_Wide booty, wider booty..._  
_Double wide booty_

_Live for the booty, I like the booty_  
_Suing the booty, scared of the booty_  
_Expensive booty, cheap booty_  
_Discount booty, rented booty_  
_Leased booty, selling the booty_  
_Working booty, easy booty_  
_Sleazy booty, greasy booty_  
_Need a lot more booty_

_Wet booty, dry booty_  
_I hope that one's my booty_  
_Pretty booty, Pity booty_  
_Little bitty booty_

_Beautiful booty, caressing the booty_  
_Dissing the booty, missing the booty_  
_Messing with the booty_  
_Oh what a wonderful booty_

_Powerful booty, finding the booty_  
_Give me the booty, wake up booty_  
_Breakfast booty, lunch booty_  
_Supper booty, dinner booty_  
_Expensive booty, cheap booty_  
_Buffet booty, hot booty_  
_Cold booty, takeout booty_  
_Delivery booty_  
_All Booty_

_Booty booty booty booty booty_  
_booty booty booty booty booty_  
_booty booty booty booty booty_  
_booty booty booty booty booty_!"

Someone had compiled a slideshow of several holoscans of which the focus were the aft-ends of officers, and had underlayed it with that song. It seemed to include everyone: Blaster, Optimus, Ironhide, Elita, Chromia, Ratchet, Wheeljack, Perceptor, Prowl, Ember, Magnus, and Hound. Each aft was completely identifiable, if not by everyone, then by their mates, or themselves.

"Who the frag-" Elita started, but Optimus cut her off with a wave.

"... Do you know what this means?" Prowl said seriously.

"This means several things, Prowl, which one are you thinking?"

"Someone not only took the time to take and edit all of these holoscans, but now possesses at least forty-five inappropriate pictures of officers' afts. We need to run a scan of the system to see who's got a massive data storage spike."

"I'll get my team on it," Wheeljack sighed, shuffling out of the room with Ratchet, Ironhide, and Optimus in tow. "Em, want me to call your mechs?"

"No, I can manage from here, but take Sudo, he will be able to help you."

Prowl shook his head again. "Who has this much time on their hands?" he asked aloud. "And what the frag were they thinking?"

Chromia patted his shoulder. "Prowl, are you self-conscious of your aft?"

"Wh-Chromia, that's hardly an appropriate question-"

"He should not be ashamed of his aft," Ember defended. Prowl looked relieved for a second, but frowned when she spoke again. "He does not have one."

"Ember!"

"Well, Prowl, you really don't," Chromia said good-naturedly. "Look at Ironhide's. Or Optimus's, even."

"Chromia!"

"Let the female talk, Prowl," Elita laughed. "Even Ratchet's got a better aft than you."

"Elita!"

"Don't even compare him to other mechs, I mean, look at Ember. Damn," Chromia shrugged. The mentioned femme made an embarrassed noise and continued to scan the database from the Officers' Lounge monitor.

"Chromia, that's enough."

"Oh my Primus, 'Mia, look at her aft. I mean, her aft, is just so big. I can't believe... it's just so round, it's like, out there," Elita giggled.

"I know that's from an Earth song, Elita."

At that exact moment, Chromia's radio blasted part of a song.

"_I like big butts and I cannot lie  
You other brothers can't deny  
That when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist  
And a round thing in your face  
You get_-"

"Chromia!"

"_-Little in the middle but she got much back  
Little in the middle but she got much back-_"

"Chromia, I swear-"

"-_middle but she got much back  
Little in the middle but she got much back_."

"Chromia, that's enough."

"Ooh, I found another one!"

"What are you doing."

"_It's okay, if you have a little fight.  
Don't you worry: I won't bite (not that hard).  
If you want it, I'll give you power.  
Just be gentle, I'm delicate like a flower._

_I said what what, in the butt?_  
_I said what wh_-"

"Stop. Just stop."

"Oh, I know this one!" Elita giggled.

"_I will give you what you need  
All I want is your big fat seed  
Give it to me if you please, give it to me, if you plea_-"

"GOT HIM!" Ember yelled over the radio.

Prowl looked at her, relieved. "Who is it?"

"Who else?" Ember scoffed, bringing up the camera in the computer. It was a visual of Blaster, who was laughing with Jolt about something Prowl was not interested in being privy to.

"They're worse than the twins," Prowl sighed, shaking his head. "I don't know what to do about them."

"It was quite clever for Blaster to include himself. Avoid incrimmination, or so he thought." She stood, glaring at her fellow females as she flounced out of the room. Prowl followed her. Both officers could hear Chromia and Elita laughing their own afts off at the expense of the pair that were leaving.

*****  
That night, Ember glanced up at Prowl from where she was curled on her side of the berth with a holobook. "... Darling?"

"Yes?" Prowl asked from his desk, distracted by a small stack of reports.

"... I am sorry I said that you have no aft."

"Em, drop it-"

"Oops, I misspoke. I am sorry that I am not sorry."

He turned, glaring at her. "Keep talking, Em. Just keep talking."

"Is someone jealous of this?" she smirked, running a hand over her own aft. "I think you are."

"That's not gonna work."

She giggled, shifting to kneel with her back to him and looking over her shoulder as she leaned forward.

"Em. Em, no."

"You know you want it."

"Are you trying to seduce me? Because it's getting weird."


End file.
